Sunday, October 09, 2005

I just dont give a shit

I really don't, not anymore.

It's just not worth thinking about.

Anyone who reads this, good luck. If I die tomorrw, I'll die with the satisfaction of knowing I've helped some people, and with the regrets of how I've hurt others even more.

This is my last entry. I might start up a new one.. sometime much later. But not until things start to look up. The last time I looked high enough to see above the horizon was back during spring break. I've seen nothing but dirt and ashes since I left the train station that day..

Goodbye.. farewell. And RIP.


Monday, October 03, 2005

Books are taking over

So in the last two weeks, I've read three novels. Each has been over 800 pages.

I'm getting into this Sword of Truth series or whatever. It's pretty good, and it goes on forever. I'm not even half way done with it.


That's been my life in it's entirety lately. There's no reason to do more. I'd rather have my life waste away then spend the rest of it without the one I love. Finding that one has proven impossible. Love can't exist with anyone and me. God denies it.

No word from Elise. As of this exact moment it's been 5 weeks to the minute.. almost. I only miss her more with every passing day.. I wonder if she feels the same... Heh.. of course not. Why would she?

I also found out some more stuff about what Sami's been through last night... I really do want to kill some people in this world. I want to kill my ex's first for the way he treated her. I want to kill Sami's father. I want to kill Sami's ex who not only beat the shit out of her, but raped her as well. I want to kill a great many of people who rightfully deserve it. Including myself for what I've done to some people. Justice has no mercy, right?

Of course.. as mad as I could get at a girl, I dont think I could ever physically hurt her intentionally. I'd have a female partner that dealt with that side of things. She would go after all the moneygrabbing bitches in the world, the girls who are equals to the guys I punish.

In this way, I fight crime.

Hehehe, I rant so aimlessly sometimes.

I'm still depressed as hell.. but I guess I'm drowning all that in my reading. I've hardly been on the internet at all lately.. all I end up doing is checking my email to see if Elise has written me anything.. I'm so agonized over her missing that it hurts me physically. It hurts my heart just to think about what might have become of her..

This post is long enough I suppose.


Sunday, September 25, 2005

That was weird

Tonight I had the closest experience I've ever had (other than when I purposly tried to do it) fainting. My heart started beating very, very, very hard.. and I couldn't control it, or my breating.. My head started to feel very light.. and then I got extremely dizzy. I had to keep myself standing by leaning on a chest.

Yeah.. I've never felt like that before. Except for when I tried to see how long I could hold my breath.. but that doesn't count.


Fucking panic attacks are getting to me. That was the worst one I've had yet... eh.

Terry isnt't talking to me anymore either. He stopped talking to me for the most part when I got back from visiting him.. and even before then, he hadn't been talking much. Afterwards he just stopped talking to me entirely almost.. and so then I started getting really sad and depressed whenever I'd see him online.. so I blocked him. I feel bad about it.. mabey someday I can be friends with him again or something, but I felt that in a way he was acting kind of rude towards me as well. I'm not saying i was the saint, but his attitude was getting to me.

Life sucks right now for the most part. My only hope is that mabey Elise will get back from wherever she dissapeared to this week.. However slim that hope might be. Even if she does get back.. will she even want to talk to me? Mabey Terry will tell her how I've been an asshole or something.. or mabey she'll have found some other guy who treats her better... I just wanted to hold her *sigh*



Friday, September 23, 2005

Elise drew this for me...

*sigh* It hurts, but it's to be expected.

Thinking back..

It hurts when someone you poured your heart.. your soul.. your life into.. wishes nothing more than to forget you. Telling you how they enjoyed their time with you so much.. and then going back on it and saying how it was just a waste of time. A waste of breath.

That's what I am.. a wasted breath.

Every time she said "I love you..." was a wasted effort. I should have caught onto it so much sooner.

All those times she was hesitant to say it.. all the times she simply wouldn't respond... The times when I felt that feeling so deep down inside that mabey.. she didn't love me. But refused to even let that come to surface. I dared to ask her once.. and I got back the most bitter response.. and it hurt.

I'm so afraid of that happening again. So many people have told me.. you can't promise never to stop loving.. never to cheat.. never to lie. Is that really true? Even though we really are just human.. Could I really stop loving a person I truly love with all my heart?

What if, when I do fall in love again.. it ends up just the same? The lies start flowing out.. they lead me on.. not really loving.. but not wanting to hurt me. What if I'm ever cheated on.. in a more real sense that whatever happened to me before. If I'm in love with a person.. I can promise I would never do those things.. my love would prevent it. But.. can someone else really promise that too? Even if I felt alone, desolate, deserted.. If I held love.. I would not break it.

"Wasted time"

"Stupidly Overrated"

Those are the words of my love. The price I paid. The entire reason I took the love of my life to prom was because she wanted to go so badly. And then she wants to do nothing more than sell her dress, rid herself of my memories.. push them out of her mind.. and forget. Her mind's eraser.

All my memories are written in ink. For me.. it's not so easy.

On a side note.. it makes me angry that she's been demanding her stuff back, and insisting that I will probably never do it. She has yet to ship my stuff back, and it took her forever to ship my valentines gift.. though I never inquired once. I'm not an angel, of anything I'm satan himself. But it still makes me angry that she would think I'd keep her shit.

I'm to depressed to rant though..


Saturday, September 17, 2005


In my dreams I see you,
I see you in the sky,
In the heavens,
You're so close by.

I can't believe I've found you,
The angel of my dreams,
I reach my hand for yours,
And you dissapear from me.

I cry to God in torment,
Why is life so painfull,
I've found the sweetest girl,
And lost her, lost my angel.

I trip into a hole,
The pain inside is rising,
The smoke rises from within,
And eats away inside me.

I've felt this way before,
I know this death-like feeling,
My heart is aching again,
Life is losing it's meaning.

So I wait inside this hole,
Trapped between the walls,
Hoping that my sweet angel,
Might hear my echoing calls.

I really want to kill myself

I've never, ever felt this depressed.

Not when I was going through my breakup.

Not when I found out my ex cheated on me.

Not when my grandpa and aunt died in the same week.

Never, this bad.

My heart feels like it's going to stop beating any second now.. Like it's labouring just to beat one last time. My soul is almost non-existant anymore.

I wish every second that someone will shoot me dead and let me rest. I don't want to live like this.. but I can't help it. And all you fuckers that say "ooh, just fucking dont think so negative" Well I fucking tried that you idiots. I don't have a mother fucking switch that makes me happy.

I really, honest to God want to die.

Please Kill Me.

Monkey Do


Today sucked. Got up at 4:30 and worked till 2:30. No work tomorrow, and I'm supposed to go paintballing with someone but I'm really not up to it.. All my friends cancelled out on me and I kinda dont want to go at all without them. As soon as I got home I got online and slept.. Woke up and had a message by that dominatrix girl on the east coast.. Heh.

She's actually pretty cool, I was suprised as hell when I found out she was a dominatrix.. but then again, I guess I've never known what a dominatrix is like. And she's cute, a millato ;). Either way, too far away. I'm still waiting for Elise, she's gotta come back someday. I hope.

I've been trying to sleep as much as possible lately just to make the days seem to go by quicker. If I go to work, stay up about four hours, and sleep until work again, the days seem to kind of melt away..

It's to the point now where every time I think about my ex I need to smoke unless I want to start having panic attacks.. *sigh* I hate this.. It's unbelieveable how much I was attached to her. She broke something inside me when she broke up with me.. She broke it in a very bad way.. I've got no idea how long it's going to be until it fixes itself.

I'm not giving up on Elise. No matter where she is, I just want her to know I'm waiting for her and I think she's so incredible.. It was so weird, I had only been talking to her for three days.. and I was trying to hold back from saying I loved her so much. Somehow.. I just felt that connection with her.. Like it was just meant to be.. I wanted to tell her so badly on that date we were going to have.. but that never happened.. Sooo...

I need to close this post up.. I just hit a nerve and I can't see a damn thing right now through all the tears that are in my eyes. I'm so fucking messed up..



Friday, September 16, 2005

Everyone is stupid

Why do I feel like more and more people around me are becomming increasingly stupid? Is it me becomming stupider? Or am I just growing bitter towards the fact that girls tend to hate me... Probably a mix of both.

Tonight was almost completely uneventfull. I spent two fucking hours waiting for someone to fucking get dressed, and then went all the way to fucking fresno just to come right back again. Idiots. But Matt gave me a hug so it was all good.

On top of my fun time in fresno, I have to work eight fucking hours tomorrow. I hate fucking pattern castings. Oh, and I get to go to work at 6.. am!!! Getting up at 4:30 rocks my world.

Fuck all you people... except kelly.. and matt cause he gave me a hug. Brad kept telling kelly to go the wrong way and calling me wrong, randol didnt know the fucking street names, and krystal was acting fucking mean. That's what I get for trying to act cheery, you fucking bastards.

I need to wake up in 6 goddam hours but I dont want to sleep, I'm too pissed off.. God I need a smoke right now... *sigh* and I really hate smoking.

I don't know what the fuck has become of me... I hate so much in life, but want to love so much of it. I need someone to help open my eyes, I've got a person I want to do it with.. but I don't even know if she exists anymore. I fucking hate this.. nothing is ever easy...

It's late.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

My Corpse

I think, that when I die, I want to have my body donated for medical research. I mean, mabey I've got some sort of mutation inside of me that will help scientists find the cure for cancer, or old age.. or something. Heh, not likely, but I'd rather do that than have my body go to waste rotting in a hole for all eternity. Mabey I'll want to have myself creamated and my ashes spread all over the world.. Mabey.. damn..

It really makes you think.. Is life really all that long? As humans, we're on the earth for like what, 70 years on average, the earth itself is billions of years old, dinosaurs roamed the earth hundreds of millions of years ago.. and humans have been here a few thousand years.. What if we manage to survive another few thousand.. few MILLION years... what if we live through several periods of human evolution entirely distinct from each other? Dinosaurs did.. there was the Jurassic, Triassic, Creatious.. What if we're just going through the beginning phase right now? But.. I don't know.. I don't think it's really possible for humans to ever die out. We're too concerned about not-dying out.. and we're too fucking curious and throw in a little intelligence. How in the HELL did I get to this topic?

Anyways, the point I was TRYING to get to is that I've decided to create a life list of things I need to do before I die. I want to live life to the extreme, and not limit myself to anything ordinary. I want to enjoy life to the fullest, not by myself, but with someone who I want to spend the rest of this short time I'm here on earth with. Some things in life are so hard. I need to find that person.

I just woke up...